Canada volunteers again, shocking absolutely no one.
In a move that has become as predictable as seasonal allergies and billionaires saying something bizarre online, world leaders gathered this week for the annual “Global Accountability Summit”—a polite name for the meeting where everyone argues over which country should issue the official apology for humanity’s collective behavior.
The summit lasted eighteen hours, involved three walkouts, one cake-related altercation, and exactly zero useful outcomes… until Canada quietly raised its hand. Again.
A Tradition No One Wants, But Everyone Pretends Is Important
For the last twelve years, the international community has insisted humanity deserves an annual apology for the whole… gesturing vaguely at everything vibe we put out as a species.
You know, stuff like:
• global chaos
• the oceans being full of plastic forks
• the economy melting every six minutes
• people arguing online about things no one understands
• and whatever happened in the last election cycle
This year’s summit opened with a slideshow labeled “Things We Did Wrong (Abridged)”, which reportedly caused several diplomats to audibly sigh and at least one to mutter, “This again?”
The Candidates: A Fierce Competition of Regret
Traditionally, the responsibility rotates—kind of like a chore wheel but with more shame.
This year, nominees included:
The United Kingdom, for “general historical reasons.”
The United States, for “you know why.”
Australia, for “the spiders, mate.”
Italy, for “repeatedly weaponizing charm to distract from everything else.”
But as debates grew heated, with delegates blaming each other using increasingly creative metaphors, Canada did what Canada always does: stepped forward, apologized for interrupting, and offered to take the hit.
Canada’s Statement: Peak Canada
Prime Minister Évelyne Marchand delivered the apology with classic Canadian sincerity, briefly pausing to apologize for apologizing too much.
“We’re sorry,” she said, looking genuinely regretful, “for humanity’s errors, oversights, miscommunications, catastrophes, tantrums, questionable fashion choices, and anything else we may have missed. We’ll try to do better. Again.”
The room erupted in relieved applause.
France even dabbed at its eyes.
Germany nodded with approving efficiency.
International analysts described the speech as “moving,” “humble,” and “very Canadian,” while insiders reported the American delegate whispering, “Thank God” with the intensity of a man escaping jury duty.
Backlash from Countries That Wanted Canada to Stop Volunteering
Not everyone is pleased with Canada’s ongoing willingness to carry the emotional labor of the species.
Sweden’s ambassador expressed frustration:
“We practiced our apology all week. It included a perfectly choreographed bow. Canada keeps stealing our moment.”
Japan issued a statement reading simply:
“Let someone else be sorry for once.”
Meanwhile, Brazil diplomatically suggested rotating the apology “like a proper global burden-sharing exercise,” which is exactly the kind of phrase political scientists get excited about.
Why Canada Keeps Getting Picked
Experts say Canada’s recurring role comes down to three factors:
- They’re very good at apologizing; their vocal cords seem adapted for it.
- Nobody dislikes Canada enough to reject the apology.
- It saves everyone time, and world leaders love shaving hours off a pointless meeting.
One analyst put it bluntly:
“If a universal apology has to come from somewhere, it may as well come from the people who say ‘sorry’ when you bump into them.”
What Happens Next?
After the apology is issued, humanity is expected to “reflect, learn nothing, and continue making baffling decisions at an alarming rate,” according to the summit’s official summary.
Next year’s summit is already scheduled.
Canada is expected to apologize again.
A betting market has formed.
It’s not looking good for Sweden’s choreographed bow.
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