By Chadwick “Scoop” Flanagan, Senior Chaos Correspondent at True Free World
BOSTON—In what can only be described as a fever dream fueled by expired protein shakes and unchecked bravado, Brad Marchand has announced a radical pivot in his career: challenging every single fighter on the UFC 313 card to a no-holds-barred, back-alley street hockey showdown.
“I’m sick of just using my elbows legally,” Marchand barked, as he aggressively taped his hockey stick with the intensity of a man who has only ever known violence. “You think those guys are tough? Let’s see how they handle a well-placed cross-check to the kidneys.”
Xavier Worthy: Hockey’s Unlikely New Emperor
Meanwhile, rising football star Xavier Worthy has somehow inserted himself into this madness by declaring himself the “Rightful King of the Ice,” despite having never played a single professional hockey game. Witnesses report that Worthy skated onto the Bruins’ practice rink in cleats, waving a lacrosse stick, and demanding a best-of-three slapshot contest against Marchand.
“You see, it’s all about acceleration,” Worthy explained to the confused press. “A 40-yard dash is just like a breakaway, except with fewer knives on your feet and less risk of getting body-checked by a Canadian man named Gord.”
Marchand responded in kind: “I respect the confidence, but let’s see if he can take a high-stick to the ribs without flinching before we crown him anything.”
Geno Smith’s Accidental Involvement
At some point, Geno Smith—who had absolutely no reason to be in this situation—was dragged into the chaos when he was mistakenly announced as the new backup goalie for the Bruins. The confusion stemmed from a misinterpreted tweet in which Smith, commenting on the NFL offseason, wrote, “I gotta stop everything coming my way.”
“Well, that’s a goalie mindset if I’ve ever seen one,” said Bruins management, who promptly mailed him a contract and a set of ill-fitting leg pads.
Upon realizing the mistake, Smith attempted to clarify, but was already being fitted for a helmet and tossed into a net while Marchand fired pucks at him with all the grace of a rabid wolverine.
Meanwhile, in the Premier League…
As if things weren’t chaotic enough, Nottingham Forest vs. Man City (or is it Man City vs. Nottingham Forest? No one really knows) devolved into further absurdity when players discovered their match had been scheduled in the same Boston parking lot where Marchand was organizing his UFC 313 street hockey massacre.
“Oi, what in the name of Sir Alex Ferguson is going on ‘ere?” one bewildered Forest player muttered as he dodged a rogue hockey stick mid-corner kick.
Liverpool, not to be outdone, scheduled their own impromptu match against Southampton in the same lot, leading to what experts are calling “The World’s First Multi-Sport Parking Lot Riot.”
The Birth of Parking Lot Mayhem: A New Era in Sports
As the World’s First Multi-Sport Parking Lot Riot hit peak insanity, the line between hockey, soccer, MMA, and street violence blurred beyond recognition. A Man City midfielder attempted a bicycle kick but was blindsided by Brad Marchand, who mistook him for an incoming forecheck target. Meanwhile, Liverpool’s Darwin Núñez tried to take a penalty kick, only for UFC fighter Sean Strickland to body slam the goalpost into oblivion, declaring, “No nets in the octagon, mate.”
Xavier Worthy Attempts a Game-Winning Shot
Determined to prove himself the “Rightful King of the Ice,” Xavier Worthy—still in football cleats—lined up for what he called a “Hail Mary Slapshot of Destiny.” In one fluid motion, he wound up his slapshot and absolutely obliterated the puck… straight into Geno Smith’s terrified face.
The puck ricocheted off Smith’s helmet at supersonic speed, struck a Bruins fan’s beer can, and sent a rogue soccer ball flying toward the nearest goal. Southampton’s goalkeeper, still recovering from the sight of Brad Marchand drop-kicking Erling Haaland, barely reacted in time.
But before the ball crossed the goal line, Jared Leto (who no one had even seen arrive) floated onto the field, mid-meditation, and caught it with his bare hands.
The Absolute Collapse of All Rules
At this point, Morgan Freeman’s voice inexplicably boomed across the Boston skyline, narrating the final moments:
“And so, as the last remnants of sportsmanship crumbled under the weight of sheer absurdity, the world watched in awe… and confusion.”
Brad Marchand, now foaming at the mouth, challenged every soccer player to a one-on-one hockey fight, despite them not knowing what that meant. Meanwhile, UFC fighter Jon Jones took a free kick from midfield just to prove he could.
Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp was last seen yelling at a Bruins enforcer, demanding VAR replays for hockey fights, while an out-of-breath Pep Guardiola insisted that “this was NOT how football was meant to be played.”
The Aftermath: A Legacy of Madness
In the wake of this historic disaster, Boston authorities refused to issue fines, stating that they simply didn’t know which laws had been broken. The event was later dubbed “The Great Parking Lot Brawl of 2025” and somehow earned an official Wikipedia entry under “Unclassified Sporting Disasters.”
Brad Marchand declared himself the undisputed champion of all sports, Xavier Worthy was knighted by a very confused British ambassador, and Geno Smith retired from public life after taking one too many flying pucks to the face.
Meanwhile, Jared Leto was last seen levitating toward the moon, still clutching the soccer ball. No one dared to stop him.
The Official Ending: Chaos Triumphs, Logic Surrenders
As the dust settled, the Boston parking lot—now a smoldering wasteland of shattered hockey sticks, deflated soccer balls, and UFC fighters arguing over whether shin guards were legal—stood as a testament to the complete collapse of organized sports.
Brad Marchand, still wearing half of a goalie mask and missing a skate, climbed on top of an abandoned Zamboni and declared, “I AM THE CHAMPION OF ALL SPORTS!” before immediately being checked into a dumpster by a rogue Southampton defender.
Manchester City lodged an official complaint with FIFA, but FIFA responded with, “We don’t even know what sport was being played.” The NHL attempted to fine Marchand, but he simply licked the paperwork and skated away.
Geno Smith, now thoroughly concussed, accidentally signed a contract to play for Nottingham Forest, while Xavier Worthy was escorted out of the scene in a royal carriage, still convinced he had “won” something.
Jared Leto was later spotted on the International Space Station, meditating with the stolen soccer ball in zero gravity, while Morgan Freeman’s voice mysteriously echoed in the background:
“And thus, the great sporting experiment came to a close—not with a whistle, but with the bewildered cries of every referee who dared to bear witness.”
With all hope for reason officially abandoned, the sports world collectively agreed to never speak of this event again.
END TRANSMISSION.
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